The Happiest Place On Earth
Last week Audrey and I went to Disneyland with my daughter Sarah and her family. I must confess I wasn’t prepared for the rush of emotions that I’d experience there. Bert and I have had so many trips to Orange County and to Disneyland that almost everything we did last week stirred up grief. The rides, the food, the lines, even the hotel held the ghost of Bert. As we joked about how he’d say “This is the saddest place on earth” because of the steep prices, I would think to myself how true that felt – now.
Since his passing, I’ve been very intentional in making myself go places and do things that we’d experienced together so I won’t be immobilized by the fear of memories. I know this probably sounds weird but every time I think “Oh, Bert and I would do that together,” I make myself do it without him. Kind of like getting back on the horse. And I enter the arena prepared for the flood of memories, allowing sorrow to wash over me momentarily.
However, I really wasn’t prepared for Disneyland. I’d forgotten how many times we’d driven the grapevine together, holding hands in the car, chatting about nothing important. How many times, he would say “no” to something the kids wanted on the trip and how I’d buy it anyway. Once, he and I were in Orange County at a conference and we snuck over to just wander the park and pose with the characters – no kids – no lines. I wasn’t prepared to remember all the corny jokes he’d make or how he would brave the rides so the kids didn’t have to go alone because heaven knows I would not get on Splash Mountain.
It was a hard week.
I don’t think my family noticed all that much – too much excitement and I can mask pretty well. I spent a lot of time praying, “God help me get through this” and “Please don’t let me cry right now.” The devil loves to hit you when you’re not prepared and he was having a field day with me.
If It Doesn’t Kill You
The amazing thing about God is he wastes nothing. As I fought despair, he began to shift my focus and challenged me to face my fears. I’ve always held back on most of the rides using the excuse of staying with the youngest grandchild. Not this year! My youngest, Tessa, was the first in line for every ride. God began challenging me to go beyond my comfort zone. So I lined up with the rest of my family for Space Mountain, Thunder Railroad and the Matterhorn.
To be honest, I’ve ridden these rides before but shied away the last couple of trips. So riding them again was reclaiming something I’d given away. But the real challenge for me was yet to be won – Dumbo. I have a real fear of heights and thinking of being up in the air in that elephant would make my head spin. In the past, I’ve stood in the Dumbo line for close to an hour only to step out at the gate. I’ve made little kids ride alone because I could not force myself to get in the flying elephant. My legs got weak just watching it. THIS was the ride God told me to conquer. So I announced to my family that I wanted to ride Dumbo. They were pretty good sports about standing in line for a “baby ride.” The line was short and before you know it, I was seated in a grey elephant with pink trim with my granddaughter Tess. She agreed to ride with me if I would let her steer (steering means you decide when to go up or down, a decision I almost regretted).
We took off and Tess immediately began toggling the switch up and down. I thought I would pass out. “Tessa” I said, “please let’s just go high and stay there.” She acquiesced and we spent the rest of the ride at the top. By the time we were done, I’d been able to relax and carefully enjoy the view. It was such a victory!
To Everything He Gives A Reason
As I was processing this trip and how God challenged me to be brave and try new things, he began speaking to my heart as he often does.
“Do you know why it was important to ride Dumbo?” he asked.
“To overcome fear?” I responded.
“Yes, there is that but, more importantly, I wanted you to remember this trip as the one you where you conquered Dumbo not the one where grief beat you.”
He went on to speak of open doors and new things coming and letting go of some things. But it is the purpose of Dumbo that stands out to me. He took what the devil meant to defeat me – unprepared heart and all – and turned it into a gleaming achievement of victory.
So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose.
Romans 8:28 (TPT)
I know there will be many more days of missing my sweetie. Days of tears and aching loneliness. But I also know that God, in his mercy, will not leave me there but will give purpose to those days. Perhaps I will brave Splash Mountain someday!
Today, I am praying for teachers. I ‘m praying they are appreciated and rewarded for their hard work. I’m praying they find it within themselves to be passionate about what they teach and to love the students that have been entrusted to their care. I’m praying for safe keeping and decent salaries and lots of volunteers. And generous budgets.
What are you praying for today? Please leave a comment with your thoughts. If you’ve enjoyed this article be sure to subscribe on the right to receive notices of new posts and PLEASE share on your social media.