No Rhythm
This grieving thing is hard. Sometimes I feel guilty. I mean I will be engaged in an event or with a person and I will remember “oh yeah, Bert’s gone” and I feel guilty for my momentary forgetfulness or for enjoying myself. Other times, I’ll get a text from a well meaning friend asking how I’m doing and it will trigger long bouts of tears as I try to respond with honesty. Some mornings I wake up refreshed, ready to tackle the day and on others it takes every bit of discipline I have to drag myself out of bed. I find I cry most often early in the morning and late at night when my thoughts are more heaven-directed and I’m not distracted by activity. Most of the time, I feel out of balance – I just can’t get the rhythm of this thing.
How Do I Love Thee?
You would laugh at what I consider great victories. Bert and I loved to work together on most things but there were some areas of responsibility that were distinctly his and some that were mine. Changing light bulbs was always his job. Mastering this has become a real source of pride for me. I’ve had three burn out since Bert passed – one under the hood of the stove that took me forever to figure out how to get out. Picking up dog poop is another. I mean, I know how to scoop poop (I’m not that blonde) but that was always his job. I’ve learned the hard way that this is something you want to stay on top of! Spraying Round-Up is something I never thought I’d do. I’ve always been the gardener, planting colorful flower beds and pulling weeds. Bert was always the terminator – he loved spraying that weed killer. We used to go round and round about his penchant for killing weeds because quite often my flowers became casualties of his zeal. However, after having to invest a couple of hours weeding areas that should have nothing growing in them, I realize Round-Up can be your friend. There are dozens of things he used to do that I’m discovering still need doing. As I complete each little task, I think to myself, “Bert would be so proud that I did this.”
Let Me Count The Ways
One thing that grief has done is to heighten my awareness of how much I was loved. Almost every thing I do throughout my day is a reminder of how much he did out of love for me. Whether it’s jewelry or power tools, everything whispers “He bought that for you because of his love for you.” Last Christmas he bought me a serger sewing machine because I’d mentioned months before that I’d like one. At the time, he scoffed, stating “You’ll never use it.” He bought it for me anyway. (I made myself use it last week just to prove him wrong.) Whenever I have to take my car to the carwash, I’m reminded of the many times he’d surprise me with a clean car. Seriously, there are just too many ways and times to elucidate here but I’m reminded a hundred times a day of the countless ways he expressed love for me.
Sadly, I don’t think I appreciated them as much then as I do now that he’s gone. Honestly, I took so many things for granted. I think that’s only normal, I mean, how many women really celebrate every time their husband scoops poop or changes a light bulb? But I wish I had thought to stop and tell him thank you a little more often.
I Want To See You
Experiencing this has made me hypersensitive to the ways that Father God has expressed his love for me. I’m beginning to see his love and grace in things that I’ve always taken for granted before. I want to be thankful for them while it matters, not in hindsight. I want to recognize the little ways he is making my life better now before I graduate to heaven. Whether it’s something as significant as seeing healing happen or seemingly as insignificant as a shady parking space, I want to “see” his love and respond in thanksgiving.
I hope this inspires you to take some time today to reflect on the ways that the people in your life have loved you in little ways. More than that, I hope you will “look and see” how God has loved you.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17 (NIV)
Prayers Matter
Today I am inviting you to join me in praying for the bombing that is happening in Israel. I’m praying for God to extend his divine protection over the country and for fanaticism and hatred to be extinguished. I’m praying for centuries of animosity to dissipate and for God’s justice to restore. I’m praying this crisis will cause the people of Israel to press in to God, not turn away from him.
Thanks for reading my article today. What are you praying for today? Leave a comment so I can partner with you in prayer or just let me know what you think of this article.
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