It’s Stunning

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I Feel You Man

I am stunned by the things that I’ve developed empathy for. Stunned? Yes because I thought I already had empathy for people in similar situations.

First let me share, I’ve never been one to hide from my problems. Instead, I’m so prone to confronting things head on that, sometimes, it’s a detriment. Unresolved conflict makes my stomach churn, so I will often tackle an issue just for resolution. Bert eventually learned to appreciate that about me. We rarely went to bed angry. I just couldn’t sleep until any conflict between us had been addressed and talked out. Even so, I like to think I had sympathy for those who were overwhelmed by their situations to the point of paralysis. I guess that’s where the difference is. I had sympathy for them but I really couldn’t relate to them.

No. No. NO!

Until a few days ago. A few days ago, I woke up before the alarm went off. You’ve heard of those cars that can go from zero to sixty in a short span of time? That’s how I woke up, one minute sound asleep and the next, wide awake. And the first thought that came to my mind? Bert’s not here. I said out loud, “No. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to get up. I’m going back to sleep.” Unfortunately (or fortunately) try as I might, I could not go back to sleep. I forced myself out of bed and into the day and I found I could survive another day without him.

The experience opened up a whole new level of empathy within me for anyone learning how to navigate loss. Not just the death of their spouse but anything significant to their way of life – a job, a pet, a relationship. Despair grips your consciousness and escape becomes paramount. For me, that happened so suddenly. If I could tolerate sleeping pills, I would have taken them in that moment. I wanted so badly to escape the reality of my life.

Hello, I’d Like to Return This Crisis Please

Once up, I processed those moments with the Holy Spirit. What happened? I thought I’d been coping fairly well. Why the crisis?

God is just so honest! He began unfolding things I’d never considered for others. I’m not only grieving my loss. Everything has changed. I’m having to learn a whole new way of living. I’m learning how to make decisions with no one to process them with (ugh, I’m an external processor). I’m learning to watch my spending (very traumatic). I’m learning to pick up the responsibilities that were Bert’s like paying the bills and cleaning the pool (I’ve ruined two blouses and a pair of pants with that stupid chlorine). I’m learning to tell myself “good job” because there is no one else to tell me. I say to myself “Bert would be so proud of me” hundreds of times a day. I’m unlearning how to work as a team and re-learning how to be a single parent.

Honestly, this sucks. I’ve been thrown into this tsunami of a learning curve at the most vulnerable time in my life. Now I really understand why some people sink. It’s not about loss alone. It’s also about change. It’s also about learning a new way to live when you like the old way. It’s about conflict resolution (like what do you do with all the doodads that your husband kept and none of your kids want and you can’t bear to throw away but they’re really junk and you need the space kind of conflict). It’s about dealing with the anxiety of getting it wrong.

Which Way Should I Lean?

Mostly, it’s about learning how to rely on God at a new level. How to trust him. How to process decisions with him. How to receive my significance from him (future article). How to invite him to fill in the empty places, and wrap his presence around me so I forget I’m sleeping alone. It’s not about forgetting the past or denying the present but seeing things from his perspective. Perspective is key. It’s perspective that determines whether my memories are a source of pain or pleasure. If I consider the future from his perspective, I can say my best days are ahead of me with no fear that my former days are devalued. If I consider it from my perspective, I see the days ahead as something to get through until I die. Quite a difference, really.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19 (NIV)

Like it or not, I’m in the middle of a new thing. The question is whether I believe God can really turn tragedy into triumph in my life. I have to take hold of his perspective or I will sink under the despair that is waiting to pounce like a cat at a mouse hole. Perspective will determine whether I see a desert or a way through it; whether I experience streams or a wasteland.

I think I have a slightly better grasp on why some people just can’t move ahead. I’m learning to say, “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through but I have an idea.” I have more to say about empathy but not in this article. Remind me to tell you sometime what I was thinking about sitting on a bench at a conference and how it gave me even more empathy.

Prayer Matters

This may sound crazy but today I’m praying for a cure for drug addiction and alcoholism. Not a substitute but an outright cure. A pill or a shot that will cause bodies to cease craving whatever they’re addicted to. I’m also praying that it will help people who are self medicating to recognize their need for mental health assistance. I’m praying for this because I know that until we address these two issues, homelessness in our country will only continue to increase.

Thanks for reading my article. I appreciate you. What are you praying for today? Leave a comment so I can partner with you in prayer or just let me know what you think of this article.

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